Wednesday, August 5, 2009

How to Deal with Evil People

Evil people are everywhere. They bomb villages entirely inhabited by children. They create bad straight to video sequels of good Disney movies. They in line at the deli. They kick ass. They take names. But not in the good way. But how do you deal with these nefarious characters?

  1. Call an Exorcist. Chances are if they are truly evil then they are experiencing what is known as a "demonic possession." Get a priest on the line as soon as possible. He'll claim that the Catholic church does not perform or condone exorcisms, but hang in there. He'll come around after three weeks of harassment and blackmail. Then it's just a matter of procurin holy water, rope, a bed with both a headboard and footboard and kidnapping the evil person so that you may "deal" with them.

In the unlikely situation that the person is not actually demonically possessed:

  1. Apologize.
  2. When that doesn't work, call the cops and claim that the person in question is a stalker. They snuck into your house and tied themselves to your bed in an attempt to arouse you with an S&M like situation, which, as it turns out, you are not into.
  3. When that doesn't work a bribe might. Gather up as much cash as you can. You're gonna need it.
  4. Before you get arrested because none of the aforementioned things worked- smuggle in as many cigarettes as you can- use your imagination as to where to put said cigarettes.
  5. When you are fingerprinted, ask for Ramon. He's gentle


  1. A fruit basket is a powerful thing. Something about a basketed assortment of butter cookies and spicy beef logs turn something from evil in to a puppy instantly. And I know what you're thinking: "Can't the puppy be evil?" The answer is no- puppies are not evil. Kitties on the other hand...
  2. Once in prison don't ask stupid questions of your bunkmates liek "Hey, Stabby Joe, how'd you get your name?" People in prison are into showing rather than telling. While this is a great rule for movies and the hard of hearing in genneral, with prisoners "showing"= "almost certain death or violation"= "ouch"
  3. Rent "Frailty"


  1. When someone in prison says "You're dead." don't take it as an existential conundrum. "Well, I think therefore I am, therefore you are wrong." You run and hide and snitch your way out of it.

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