Wednesday, August 5, 2009

How to Deal with Evil People

Evil people are everywhere. They bomb villages entirely inhabited by children. They create bad straight to video sequels of good Disney movies. They in line at the deli. They kick ass. They take names. But not in the good way. But how do you deal with these nefarious characters?

  1. Call an Exorcist. Chances are if they are truly evil then they are experiencing what is known as a "demonic possession." Get a priest on the line as soon as possible. He'll claim that the Catholic church does not perform or condone exorcisms, but hang in there. He'll come around after three weeks of harassment and blackmail. Then it's just a matter of procurin holy water, rope, a bed with both a headboard and footboard and kidnapping the evil person so that you may "deal" with them.

In the unlikely situation that the person is not actually demonically possessed:

  1. Apologize.
  2. When that doesn't work, call the cops and claim that the person in question is a stalker. They snuck into your house and tied themselves to your bed in an attempt to arouse you with an S&M like situation, which, as it turns out, you are not into.
  3. When that doesn't work a bribe might. Gather up as much cash as you can. You're gonna need it.
  4. Before you get arrested because none of the aforementioned things worked- smuggle in as many cigarettes as you can- use your imagination as to where to put said cigarettes.
  5. When you are fingerprinted, ask for Ramon. He's gentle


  1. A fruit basket is a powerful thing. Something about a basketed assortment of butter cookies and spicy beef logs turn something from evil in to a puppy instantly. And I know what you're thinking: "Can't the puppy be evil?" The answer is no- puppies are not evil. Kitties on the other hand...
  2. Once in prison don't ask stupid questions of your bunkmates liek "Hey, Stabby Joe, how'd you get your name?" People in prison are into showing rather than telling. While this is a great rule for movies and the hard of hearing in genneral, with prisoners "showing"= "almost certain death or violation"= "ouch"
  3. Rent "Frailty"


  1. When someone in prison says "You're dead." don't take it as an existential conundrum. "Well, I think therefore I am, therefore you are wrong." You run and hide and snitch your way out of it.

How to Overthrow the Government

So you're disenfranchised, upset with the direction your country's going in or just plain bored. Here's how with a few household items you too can overthrow the government. (The writer of this article assumes no responsibility for the actions of the advisee...unless responsibilitiy includes a powerful seat in the new government. Perhaps as Duchess of Chocolate..hint-hint)

  1. Gather everything in your place into one pile. Light it on fire. This works best if it's dry out and several of the objects are flammable and or doused with gasoline. This leaves no trace of your former existence. You are now a shadow.
  2. Run away to Mexico before people start snooping around and asking questions like "Hey, why is your house on fire?", "Shouldn't someone put that out?" and "Is it just me or was Cable Guy really underrated? Because it has seriously gotten funnier over the years."
  3. Once in Mexico gather 1)sombrero (you must fit in) 2)a weapon of some sort and 3) sunblock (because skin cancer is a bitch)
  4. Try to be an extra in a Robert Rodriguez film for funsies.
  5. Gather other people to your cause by offering free keychains left over from when you worked as that product ambassador at that one office supply convention. People love free keychains. (If you melted your surplus keychains along with your other belongings then, I'm sorry, overthrowing the government is not a reality you can attain. Next time read all the directions first)
  6. Get more weapons, funding, and, if your up to it, team jackets. I've found that team jackets really help when it comes to morale and a general feeling of unity. Remember you're not doing this for yourself. You're doing it for your team. But really you're doing it for yourself.
    Jump the border. Trade all of your team members in to border patrol for cold hard cash. This may or may not be possible. The key thing is to reach for the stars and above all always haggle.
  7. Invest cash wisely. Become the controlling interest in a major multinational corporation.
  8. Become an eccentric billionaire whom everyone wishes to be around.
    Influence government through lobbyists and your general bravado.
  9. Hypnotise leader. (You don't know how to hypnotise people? What are they teaching you kids in school these days? Fine use powerful drugs to alter his or her mind and make them highly susceptible to suggestion. I'll done? Okay, we can move on)
  10. Make leader look like a completely incompetent dumbass. This has not worked too well in the past when it comes to impeachment and whatnot, but it helps if you're president is of a minority and thus even further scrutinized for every little insignificant thing he does. If your president is white, then you're probably going to have to have him eat live babies in front of a highly publicized abortion clinic protest in order to get him ousted.
  11. Now is the time to strike. While the country is in turmoil over the eating baby debacle. Hi-jack the airwaves and declare yourself grand poo-bah, saying you'd never even imagine eating babies, mainly because you don't know what a baby is, but that's neither here nor there. If that doesn't work take the seat by force threatening the country with all of those nuclear warheads you stole from the governmnet and the armed forces of said country that you have already gathered under your allegiance. (Note- make sure to gather allegiance of armed forces. it helps if they're really pissed off about being involved in a seemingly endless and pointless war)
  12. Assume seat of power. Will it be an armchair? Wingback? Butterfly? Barcalounger? Hand shaped? It's up to you, Mr or Ms. Grand Poo-bah.


  • Stick to your guns. Not literally. That would be cumbersome. You're looking at this article for a reason. Anyways if you searched for this, chances are you've already been put on some kind of list at the FBI. You're already screwed, so might as well go whole hog.
  • You should never wear white after labor day. Or should you? You're in charge now, it's up to you. You could even outlaw clothes altogether, although you would probably lose a lot of people in the nrother states to hypothermia and a lot of people in the southern states to inbreeding.


  • Papercuts
  • Hands that smell like gasoline from when you lit your house on fire.
  • Never stare straight at the sun, especially through a telescope.
  • Weapons can hurt. Always point them away from you. Never run with them. Unless you are being chased by a bear. Then run like the wind, old one.
  • Chances of death and internment are surprisingly high on this one...maybe don't do it if you fear either one.

Mission Statement

Apparently the people at wikihow reject alternative methods of going about something. They are close minded people who think inside the box and would never be able to survive a life or death situation in which one must resort to what resources are available to them at the time. In the interest of making more resourceful information available to the masses, I have started this blog, Wiki-How Rejects. A place that encourages thinking outside, and in some cases even destroying, the box. Sometimes it's necessary to go a little bit crazy in order to survive.

(The writer of these articles claims no responsibility for any harm or legal repercussions that may befall the advisee if they attempt these things. Do not try this at home, kids.)